Living With Cancer (Part 1)

For quite some time, James has been wanting to post to the blog here as most of you are not on the Chinese WeChat, and even if you were, your Chinese still seems to be lagging (teehee)...all his sleepless nights have given him a lot of time to write, so you all will be hearing from James for the next few days. I hope you enjoy hearing first hand from the patient. A window into how one Christian has gone through suffering...

My wife Kristen has been posting a lot of our cancer journey on her blog, but my job has mostly been devoted to informing my Chinese friends in Chinese. Not surprisingly, a lot of people have come to ask me how I am doing. They want to hear from me in person how I am really doing. My Indian oncologist always wants to know. At the last doctor visit, my Jewish radiologist was wondering how I have been processing - implicitly, he is asking since I have received the death sentence, that my cancer has metastasized to incurable stage four, how am I dealing with things. And I know these questions concern all my Christian sisters and brothers who have been faithfully praying for me. I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my cancer journey of this year.   

            

No doubt, going through cancer and fighting against it is a huge, painful project. It challenges you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The seriousness and severity of cancer instantly turned me into a professional patient. A job that indicates someone as weak, incapable, even a burden; it does not build me up in any way. When a whole family’s life is spinning around this weak, uncertain vessel, the ups and downs of life is almost certain. The constant physical pain is unavoidable, the worry for the family increases as the symptoms change, the uncertainty of your future prevents you even to dare to dream. A normal life with a future has never been so far away; now it seems to the point of almost impossible to reach. When you pass through a dark tunnel long enough, you realize that light is never so precious to you, and you are so eager to see it again, but not knowing when or if you ever will. 

            

Where is hope, how can we experience joy? What can really comfort us under this kind of circumstance? Doctor’s skill? Money? Career? Success? Comforting words from people? It is a time of trial and a test to faith. It can be a nightmare, catastrophe, total disaster.

           

The morning of the 20th of August 2014. I was waiting for my biopsy result from Kunming. A cough had been the only symptom, and it was bad. In fact, it was so bad that morning, I strained my back. (In Chinese we say that disasters never come alone.) I hardly could move, laying on the couch, so I picked up my Bible and started reading. As I read to Isaiah 43:1, it says “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” I feel so strongly that the Lord is speaking to me that I was both deeply comforted and overwhelmed. I immediately felt that the Lord is telling me that the result is not going be good, but He is telling me not be afraid, because I belong to Him, and He will be with me as the rest of Scripture says (Isaiah 43:1-3), “But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you…”

The result turns out to be that I have cancer. But a lot of times hospitals in China are not trustworthy at both the ethical and the skill level. We quickly set an appointment, and went to a well known international hospital for more tests in Thailand. On the morning of the 30th, before we heading out to get my final results, while waiting, I turned on my iPad, and the daily verse attracted my attention. The verse comes from 2 Samuel 12 :13 "Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.” As I saw the verse, “you are not going to die,” I feel like Nathan is just standing next to me and telling me that I am not going to die. Though we did not yet know the seriousness of the situation - I did not know I was going to be facing death - I knew it was going to be very hard. Yet from that verse, I knew that God's grace would carry us through.

In retrospect, as we started receiving results from different doctors I realized how timely that verse was to me. Without it I really cannot imagine how I can face all the reports coming from the doctors. Every result is like they are giving me the death sentence, each time in a new way. The seriousness of my situation came in stages, as each doctor delivered worse news than the one before. But each time no matter how serious it sounded, I always felt like Nathan was standing right next to me and telling me that I was not going to die. The doctor’s results count for nothing. The protection and the presence of God is so true and real, that I felt the whole situation is completely under God’s control; because He foreknew this was going to happen, and He is telling me ahead. Those who trust in the Lord are truly like Psalm 112:7 promised: He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

of thinning eyebrows and rising suns

Hi Friends - not much to report around here but since our silence apparently makes people a little worried for us, I thought I'd just give a brief update. 

James completed dose #7 of chemo last Wednesday. We are thankful that James's body holds up so well to chemo. Other than his bald head, people might not otherwise know that he is undergoing treatment...though this time around I noticed that even his eyebrows have thinned out considerably.  I hope they hold on until the bitter end. Ha! 

Dr. Gupta runs blood work on James each week he's in chemo, and his "numbers" continue to be very good, meaning that all things considered, he's not much at risk for infection, anemia, or bleeding out. Whew. And last week, Dr. Gupta reduced the steroid that James has been on, which meant James was able to get a bit more sleep this week. Wonderful blessings. Additionally, James continues to notice a decrease in pain, which surely is a sign that the chemo is "working." We always hasten to add, though, that this chemo is not exactly seen as a cure - it may work on the remaining tumors, to reduce their size or even eliminate them, but apart from God's miraculous healing, James's chances of survival are quite slim. (Cheery, I know...sorry! Welcome to our world...)

However - As James is handling things so well, and as the sun continues to rise each day, we find ourselves settling in to this "new normal." We've adopted the attitude of "You might be dying, but you're not dying today." We have today. (Isn't that all any of us have, really?) We continue to be strengthened and encouraged by your prayers, and face each day with tremendous hope and confidence. We believe that God is at work, and we are trusting that James will be healed. We continue - as I know you do - to plead before God for life, for completely restored health. Naturally, we are longing for the day when this season is behind us - at the same time, we know that God is working good things as we learn to wait on Him and persevere.


[As an aside, we know many of you have been praying specifically for James's family - some events are unfolding in our absence that indicate the Spirit moving in their hearts. Please keep praying for them, that His work would not be hindered, and that Light would shine in the darkness.]

A date to keep in mind - on October 9th James will have a PET scan. Who knows what will be revealed! We will likely get the results October 14th. Of course we'll let you know...

Thankful for you all...
james & kristen

My Heart Exhults

We head back in to chemo tomorrow - up for another three doses, round 3 of 4. In the meantime, we've been busy with plowing ahead on ministry projects (Amazing to see it all come together, and...yowza); meeting our new small group leaders (Are we really getting to do this?! Yeah!); and working with my dad as he scored us a free playground and swing set for the girls (Wow, God is good! And, go Grandpa!). Here "we" are this last weekend on the swings...yes, that's a chicken coop as the backdrop, because - free chickens.

Blessed be the Lord!

For He has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

In Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;

My heart exults,

And with my song I give thanks to Him. 

                                    ~Psalm 28:6-7

Half Way!

Note - I wrote the following post late last night, and then, since it was midnight & nothing good happens after 11pm, I held off until I could see it again. (Also, despite comments below about James getting sleep...in the end he only slept for 1.5 hours last night. Ouch.)
________________________

Hi friends...today marks the official "half way mark" for James's chemo. Six down, six to go. Whew.

James is doing really well. Last week the drug-induced sleeplessness was really getting to him (because it gave him headaches), but these last two days he was blessed with good sleep - and even now, as I write here in bed, he is dozing off next to me. (I should also add that whenever I have told anyone about James's lack of sleep - so they can pray about it - he is quick to add that he quite enjoys getting up at 4a.m. Apparently his prayer life has never been better, so he is not complaining about his wonky sleep schedule.) (Which just goes to show you how much better James is than me - give me so much as two days with no sleep, and I'm ready to punch somebody's lights out.)

Other praises - James's blood numbers are really good. (Seriously! They look like someone who is not going through chemo.) He is also not in much pain, all things considered. He is currently not taking any pain meds and is managing just fine. 

There was no mention today of a "let's check on your cancer scan," so we assume it will be later this month, presumably after dose 9. However, I suppose it is possible - given James's minimal pain - that they hold off doing one altogether until he finishes. Who knows! 

James just in general seems really good. Chemo working? God at work? Let's hope so...

We continue to be upheld by your prayers - we both have been given tremendous peace in the midst of this. I continue to be amazed that I have not lost so much as one hour of sleep since James's cancer recurrence. It would be quite understandable if I was lying awake at night, panic stricken about what might happen. That simply hasn't happened, and that, my friends, is a testimony of the power of God, working through your prayers.

People have asked us what they can specifically pray for...here's a short list...

*pray for miraculous healing. We are asking that it be the kind of healing where even the doctors struggle to explain it apart from God. 

*pray for God to miraculously strengthen, heal, and protect James's bones. Sometimes, it feels like there's a fracture. Pain is deceptive and never gives a complete story, but we already "know" that his bones are "permanently" damaged from the tumor. Pray that God rewrites the diagnosis. Pray that James will once again run and jump and out-pace the high school boys. (Hey! Go big or go home!)

*pray for healing for James's lungs. He still coughs, though he's better than he was, and he's best when on steroids. When I pray for this, I am always reminded of the verse in Psalms that says God's Spirit renews the face of the earth. Pray for "renewal" of his lung tissue. 

*pray for strength to persevere. I imagine you all get tired of praying....we get tired of the diagnosis. But I thought today about how good it's going to feel - just plain good - when we get past the finish line on this, together. Those who stick it out are going to have a lot to celebrate! And it will be all the sweeter for all the times we (all) wanted to give up, but didn't. Seeing God's answers will be so glorious for those who continued to petition, wait, and believe in faith. 

*were about to launch into some things - in faith - through our church. I've taken on a biggish (short-term) project in the kids ministry, and James signed up for a counseling class. We're also looking into joining a small group. We would love the opportunity to do that! None of these are huge commitments...but life has seemed tentative, our future completely uncertain, and, well...cancer is just plain hard to plan around! We have come to see that God is very much in the details...might the details of our life work in a way to allow for us to serve, learn, grow, and connect! 

*last, but not least, pray for grace for the hard days. It's not always rainbows and lollipops around here (though your chance of getting a lollipop over here is surprisingly high...).  Increasingly, we find ourselves thankful for all that God is doing, and all that He has done through this season...we need His grace to cover us on the days when there's pain, or tears, or frustrations, weakness, or deep sorrow. 

Wow. It's late. 

And this is long.

Goodnight, dear friends!

--kristen

In the Tiny Things

Hi Friends - this past week has been a bit of a blur of school, packing lunches, doing laundry, going to the fair (milkshakes! live calf birth! dog show! chinese acrobats!), doctor visits for James, an ear infection (Kristen), colds (all 3 girls) and sleeplessness (James). We are hanging in there. As Winston Churchill once quipped - when going through hell, keep going. Or as Paul once wrote - we are afflicted, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; struck down, but not destroyed...so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 

In all the driving around between the doctor, grocery, and school, every so often we manage to catch a good sermon on the radio. Just days after my last post, I heard Alistair Begg say the following.  He expressed what I have been thinking and writing about...and said it in a much clearer fashion (not surprisingly). Plus he's got that whole Scottish accent thing going for him. I thought I'd share...

Don’t let’s miss God’s hand in the details. Some of us do not enjoy God in the way that we might because we have got some kind of expectation that is neither realistic, nor biblical, nor any other thing. If God was really God and He really loved me and really blessed me, then this would happen and that would happen and the next thing would happen.

Hey!  Listen! Did you sleep through the night? Did He awaken you today? Is your double circulatory system at work right now, creating oxygenated and deoxygenated blood? Do you have renal function? Do you have neurological function? Can you blink your eyes? Can you say hello? Can you kiss your wife? Can you hug your kids?

What else do you want?

Don’t miss God in the tiny things. In the tiny things! The reason that some of us live impoverished lives is because we have decided what it would be really like if God were to step forward at the time that we have decided and to do what we have decided would be right for us to receive if it is going to be a representation of our status and our standing.

Let us, in light of this truth, bring all our doubts and all our fears and all our disappointments...bring it all under this overarching truth. Which is, to keep reminding ourselves of the fact that God has an ultimate purpose. That Paul says, in Ephesians 1, has been set forth in Christ, as a plan for the fullness of time to unite all things in Him – things in heaven, and things on the earth. For from Him, and for Him, and to Him are all things.

That changes the way we view things. 

Amen.  Go in peace today, friends. 

--james & kristen

Late Night Ramblings from the Fourth Dose

Hello Friends! 

Excuse the late post - James and I have been going since 6 a.m. this morning and are just now settling in for the night, though it is 10 p.m. (and I should really go throw those clothes in the dryer...)

James received his fourth dose of chemo today. His blood numbers look good, his hip pain is still in a very manageable range, and he's tolerating the chemo really well. James did get diagnosed with a very mild case of shingles today, so he's now taking an antiviral to deal with that. (I guess to make sure it doesn't get worse, come back, or last for weeks on end? Otherwise, to us, it seems like he's already pretty much over it.)

During the several hours at the cancer care center we were able to get some good ethnic food recommendations from Dr. Gupta.  Needless to say, Dr. Gupta shares our view on the "narrow flavor profile" of American food and was happy to oblige.  (Complaining about American food is so much more interesting than talking about cancer!)  And I say, if the doctor can't cure you, he should at least be able to tell you where to get some good food. Kudos to Dr. Gupta for coming through on at least one account!

We continue to be so thankful for your prayers which we know God is using mightily in our lives. God hears, and is answering so very many of them. Thank you.

The last several days have been really enjoyable as James has been free from chemo symptoms (his last dose was the 5th).  Though the reality of cancer is ever-present, it's been a wonderful blessing to see James up and around and more his normal self.

I was thinking today as we walked back into the "furnace" of our reality how easy it would be to believe that our situation was the worst imaginable. It would be the most natural thing if I was sitting around thinking, "How could this get any worse?" Can there be anything worse than the diagnosis of an incurable cancer?

Well, yes.  Lots of things, actually.

But even in this circumstance, I can envision many ways it could be going so much worse. James could be really, really weak, confined to his bed. James could be nauseous, with constant vomiting. He could have difficulty eating, and could be losing weight. He could have chronic infection. He could have cancer in his bone marrow. He could be in so much pain that he needs narcotics, or radiation. He could have blood numbers so poor that treatment needs to be delayed or stopped. He could, quite simply, be dying.

And that's just James. Add to the equation me and our girls, and you could very quickly have a hot mess of crazy.

But God.

God has been, and continues to be, incredibly, unspeakably gracious. Not just to James, but to me and our three girls. And so we give thanks.

From the time of James's initial diagnosis of lung cancer, we have been confident in our belief that this is something that God is allowing in our lives. Not something God caused or wished on us or punished us with.  But something He is allowing. Maybe because it was smoker's lung cancer given to a non-smoker that made it easy to believe God's sovereign plan even in this.

As we continue to walk this road, we find ourselves giving thanks to God, for his goodness in bringing us through this. He has allowed this cancer.  He has allowed it to metastasize, and He has allowed it to threaten to take James's life. But at the same time, He has set a boundary that it cannot cross. Cancer will not erode God's faithfulness, nor can it limit His lovingkindness. God has, for this time, set a boundary over the amount of suffering He will allow us to endure.

So often in hardship we look so long and so hard at what God is not doing (He is not doing it my way, in my time), that we forget to notice what He is not allowing. And it is, many times, in the things that He does not allow in our lives that we can experience His grace, if we will simply stop long enough to notice. In faith, let's walk in that spacious place of the loving, all-wise mix of the "allowed hardship" and the "unallowed suffering," because God is good.

In closing...all good rambles eventually come to a close...one of my favorite verses. I love the image of God carrying Israel through the desert, like a father carries his son...embraced, shielded, carried, loved. Tonight, we give thanks for the way God is carrying us through our "wilderness."

"Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place." 

~Moses, 

in Deuteronomy 1.29-31

Good night, dear friends, and may you, too, feel carried by our great, gracious, loving God.

'Round Here

Happy Wednesday, Everyone! Here's what's happening over in our little corner of the world...

*Michaela and Lydia are rockin' kindergarten and second grade. They love their teachers and are always busting out of the minivan in the morning, excited for another day.

*The not-so-new/newish-to-me I Am They album is playing on our Spotify.

*James is off chemo this week and is feeling pretty good. He lost his hair last week and commented yesterday that his pain is less than a month ago.  Around here, we try to take feeling crummy as a good sign that chemo is killing off more than hair follicles.

*James is reading rather voraciously these days - in the past two weeks he's finished Tim Keller's tome Walking with God through Pain & Suffering, Eugene Peterson's Run with the Horses on the life of Jeremiah, Kevin DeYoung's Freedom and Boundaries and The Hole in Our Holiness, and Francis Chan et al's The Road We Must Travel. When I can snatch them out of his hands, I've read some of these as well. Great books!  The other two I'm about to finish are Kate McCord's In the Land of Blue Burqas and Don Whitney's Simplify Your Spiritual Life. Just in case any of you are looking for something to read...

*Dear friends gifted us an AMC gift card (fun!) and so we are heading this afternoon to see Shaun the Sheep, The Movie. Shaun has long been a He family favorite, so we're pretty excited about a full length movie. It'll be good to laugh together.

*Last weekend we traveled to Midland, Michigan for our cousin's wedding. Everything was beautiful, and we were so blessed to get to be there. (Bonus for the girls - free cake!) We were able to spend Saturday afternoon in the Dow Gardens and Sunday morning in the pool.  Not an altogether bad way to spend the weekend.

*We've gotten on an Asian food kick for lunches...so good to see thinly sliced meat, bean sprouts, soy sauce, and Thai peanut sauce around.  A break from "meh" American food seems to feed the soul.

*I'm slooowly working my way through 1 Peter, and am also enjoying Wayne Grudem's commentary alongside my study.  I'll leave you with a quote from him - God has used it to encourage me these days. May it be good fodder for thought on your end too. Commenting on 1 Peter 1:17-20, he writes

The God whom Christians fear is also the God whom they trust forever,

the God who has planned and done for them only good from all eternity.

Have a great week! You are awesome.

Love,

--james and kristen